What is Clarissa Looking For?

From the beginning of the book, Clarissa seems to be yearning for something more. Though she has been married to her husband Richard Dalloway for 30 years, "she would still find herself arguing in St. James’s Park, still making out that she had been right — and she had too — not to marry [Peter] (20)," one of her long-time friends who had once proposed to her and been rejected. Obviously passing thoughts like this don't always directly reflect one's inner desires, but soon she meets with Peter for the first time in a long time, and confirms her desires by kissing Peter. In the heat of the emotional moment, "she sat back extraordinarily at her ease with him and lighthearted, all in a clap it came over her, If I had married him, this gaiety would have been mine all day! (50)" These two texts show us that Clarissa doesn't receive the satisfaction she desires from her current marriage, thinking Peter could have given her a "gaeity" that Richard did not. 

However, her reasoning for not marrying Peter was such: she would have no independance. She thinks that contrary to Richard, who grants her some independance, "with Peter everything had to be shared; everything gone into. And it was intolerable. (20)" Would she truly have been happier with Peter? Though Peter could grant her an excitement that Richard didn't, part of me thinks that if she had married Peter instead, she would be having similar thoughts, contemplating why she didn't marry the more stable, agreeable, and independant Richard.

Why does Virginia Woolf write Mrs. Dalloway this way? What is special about this conflict? One passage late in the book caught my eye, Clarissa's thoughts after she contemplates the "young man" (Septimus)'s suicide and realizes how fleeting and precious her life is: "Odd, incredible; she had never been so happy. Nothing could be slow enough; nothing last too long. No pleasure could equal, she thought, straightening the chairs, pushing in one book on the shelf, this having done with the triumphs of youth, lost herself in the process of living, to find it, with a shock of delight, as the sun rose, as the day sank (159)." This idea firstly reminds me of The Mezzanine and Howie's childlike joy and wonder in every menial task, parallel to Clarissa's excitement to straighten chairs and push in books on the shelves. It makes me think that Woolf is trying to say that the joy Clarissa was looking for could not be supplied completely from her relationships. I believe that through her writing, Woolf suggests that the contentment that Clarissa seeks can be found in a change in perspective, viewing every second of life as precious and defiant. It's an interesting intersection with the philosophy of Howie in The Mezzanine as well as Septimus' thread (Clarissa would not have found this solution at this time without hearing of Septimus' suicide).

Regardless, I'm glad that Clarissa's narrative ended with spiritual freedom and joy rather than death, though I am still mourning Septimus' death internally. Thanks for stopping by one of the strangest-named blogs out there, and keep an eye out for my next banger.